I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. I have lived EXACTLY what you are living. So your H has chosen a different lifestyle. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. Has giveN you some great advice. He fantasized about escape. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. But yet he refused to leave. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. There are people like that. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. You have tried everything you could. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. It will bring him up short. Linda: Yes. He was rude and nasty and everything was my fault his unhappiness was all my fault. K. You are in a very tough position. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. You are very smart. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. But now you are in limbo. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Thank you both for your comments of support. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. He decided he did not want to. If you want to see new boundaries like he has no social media or you have free access to his phone, he must accept that. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. And he understood. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. It seems that were high on commitment but low on intimacy and passion. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. Do that a few times and see what happens. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. But I was being calm and level headed. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. like you said, I cannot change him. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. My situation is a little bit different because my CS started the affair as an online thing, she is a long distance romance, he went to see her for 2 weeks where she lives, after what seems as maybe 6 months of knowing her via social media, they apparently got engaged, at least thats what she declared on her social media, and while he is still married to me. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. Doug: In our situation, in your opinion, what do you think really worked as far as getting me out of the fog? Strong focused and determined. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. My STORY | The Fog has lifted Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. They are just blinded at the moment. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. I have no clue. When I called back about an hour later, same secretary said, they are still at lunch, they usually take a couple of hours when they go out. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. He didnt know what he wanted. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. I remained calm and steady. I became my mother. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. If the symptoms are I was stronger when this first started. Tabs like you my OH dropped the OW immediately I confronted himafter an 8 year friendship. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. I go from being extremely nice to him, to being bat shit crazy and screaming about OW. Im sure he never shed a tear for my pain the pain he deliberately created and caused he was heartbroken at as he put it for ME forcing him to hurt an innocent real good woman ( I explained in detail I am a real good woman my mother and grandmother are REAL GOOD WOMEN and I for one am disgusted and offended and made me want to throw up at his daring to put a serial adultering street walking prostitute in his mind or my life as anywhere near a REAL GOOD WOMAN since we dont cheat and screw other womens husbands his whores all did just that) who did nothing wrong man I was exploding pissed off i told him I was the ONLY innocent GOOD WOMAN he ever had promised GOD to never hurt and him and his whore could hang themselves in hell . 4. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. I say Im trying hard to trust him. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. My H expected me to be on board with his new lifestyle of being a cheater. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. If they run backward, He wouldnt show me his phone but said hes absolutely not speaking to her and hasnt in almost a month. It took me 20+ years to get my H to see that his behavior was disrespectful. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! Sad to say. How sad it comes to that. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. And he was in the fog. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. I said to him that I just do not want to be disrespected anymore. Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA That is the first issue. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. The only time it felt like he did was when I really made him leave and he felt remorseful and upset and was scared and I would barely speak to him for 4 days. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. WTF!! Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! My mind truthfully runs rampant, its horrible. He took advantage one time too many. Again I think there is more to this story. I begged pleaded discussed etc. He said now he know i wasnt love. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. How do you get past that? I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. Its more like hes there. I thought we reconciled. He is saying he doesnt want to change. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. I just dont even know what is better, lliving in limbo or living apart. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. Get your self together. I think thats all part of it. Returning Back: The First Awakening And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. Calm. I think that woke you up a little bit. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. Right now you are fearful of losing him. It can make your head spin. The signs are there. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. But actions dont lie. midlife Friday Facts And Features Midlife It When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. We have such pleasant conversation when he gets home and we will usually hangout together with the baby and laugh and have a good time for an hour or so before I go to bed in the room and he heads to the couch. That is where I was st DDay2. I really hope I have done whats right. One of our problems is he thinks i dont like him going out with friends etc, so I have tried very hard to work on that. Although he has been. I was the work person, telling him to come home, help, clean, etc. He just had to break the bad news to her. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Thank you for another dose of great advice. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. I dont know..Ive thought about going to a psychologist but I cant afford it. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. And I left the room. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. Sad to say your H has a support group who believe him. Maybe im allowing him too much freedom and he will just love it. I dont know. By that I mean they still want to go out and hang out etc. Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). Not sure why. You have done everything. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will come stay here or what. And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. I really no longer cared. Its so scary. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. You are stronger than you think. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. Come crawling back or find another OW. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. You have to stop trying to reason with people who only want one thing an A or alcohol or food or cigarettes. They believe (wrongfully) they have something special. Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. You have heard all the same stuff we all have. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes.
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